Can i be more stupid??!!!!

How could i be so stupid as to jump to conclusions again! FUCK! Arggh! now the one i love has been hurt by me again! yes, no doubt its over, i still love her! and yet i have to screw things up agian! why! why am i so jealous? why am i so stupid? Why? Why? WHY???????

I'm so sorry darling, haiz, so much i wanna say to you, i wish that i can really turn back time. so i can right this wrong, so i can take this back. but i cannot. damn. once again i have failed the love of my life. and whats more i called her a liar. over one stupid fucking thing! wad the fuck is wrong with me? everything i do seems bad! eveything i touch dies! what am i good for?

Honey, if u read this, i am sorry, i didn't mean to hurt u again. i know u have had enough of this crap from me, i'll understand if u never speak to me again. its, my fault, is my doing. I hope you have fun this friday, i really do, i just wanted to spend time with you thats all, and after all this while with you, i guess i still haven't learnt to calm down, i guess u were always my reason to stay calm, i dun doubt that i love you and that u still love me in a way, but should u choose to hate me, i will hold no grudge against u, i know its my fault. Haiz, i really hope this isn't the end to our friendship. but if it is, for what its worth, i am sorry.


I'm sorry sweetie, i really am, its just me being the idiot that i am again. i hope somehow u forgive me, i never meant to call u a liar. and i'll never call u a liar again cos i know u dun lie. if u forgive me, pls message me when u read this, if u dun, well... all i can say is i'm sorry, i wanna tell u so much but i dun think u wanna listen to it. i still love you even though its over.

I'm feeling dead tired now. Yesterday, hit the gym with Gabriel, den went fishing at Bishan Park, caught zilch. Den went home, had dinner and went fishing agian at Changi, caught zilch. Felt tired after gym and all den Gabe and Dada came over, slept at 5 am, woke up at 11:30 am!!!! Almost died of a heart attack. We had missed the last morning mass. So Gabe and I sent Dada off at compass, den went to meet Joe and the rest for lunch. After lunch, went to church for server's meeting and after that proceeded to wreck more pain upon my already strained body, went for Soccer! YEAH! Finally, an outlet for all the emotions I've had to pen up! It felt good when it lasted, but the pain i physically feel now is still dwarfed by the pain within my heart and soul... Why? I tried so hard to be the one to be there for you... To be the one you can share everything with, you promised we'll still keep close and share, I just hope this is true. Cos soon you'll be really busy, and as for me... i guess i'll be alive somewhere, but never truly living. Window for me is higher and smaller still... If only the hands of time can be turned back... so many more possibilities, so many more... Yeah, thanks for the memories too...

What I truly feel, right now, at this very second...

Alas it is Over, Alas i fell.
I fell from heaven to Hell.
Now my battered Soul,
Wishes for a hole,
Deeper and darker,
Than any man-made well.

I will never be,
The guy all of you used to see.
Just a shell and shadow,
Of my former proud and jovial self.

Do not fret, Do not dispair,
I have yet to fully dissappear.
Now my heart, rots in anger.
My soul, in hate.
Lucky we didn't last Longer.
Cos then I'd truly feel pure hate!

Hate for empty promises,
Hate for feelings of emptyness.
Hate for things I had done,
Hate for things that I had Said.
Now numbness takes over,
As life drians from my veins.

I just pray, That the Lord may,
Hopefully one fine day,
That in somehow and someway,
Bring us back together, one day...
As for this sad day,
This is all i have to say.
Say goodbye Dear all,
To the Boy you once knew,
Say hello Dear all,
To the man who'll forever remain blue...

Hi guys please IGNORE the previous post. Just Felt stuping and like being an IDIOT, guess i was just blowing off steam. Thanks for caring enough to read anyways! :)

Tears

Tears of water stain my pillow, of blood stain my heart. Why do i still weep in the silence in the solitude of the night? How the bloody hell should i know???!!! Pain wrecks my heart and soul! My body is weak and numb to my surroundings, i seriously doubt a stab to the heart now with a red hot blade will even be registered! Why am i going through all this! ust when a major fucking worry passes, one more takes its place! My granny's ill with Breast Cancer! WTF right?! What is the lesson to be learnt? All i feel now is pain and the sense that i'm totally fucking lost! Why! Why do i feel this way?! Smiles that i once gave so willingly now are forced and meaningless! Damn me to hell la! That way none of you innocent blessed people will have to recieve false smiles and half laughs! Where is that bottle of poison when i need it?! Argh! Will somebody please shoot the living God outta me?! I don't deserve to have Him in my life. And if i don't deserve even God, what makes me worthy of all my friends? All you blessed people? Thank you all so much for carrying this cursed boy amongst you all this while. I really appreciate it. But i don't think you guys should have to put up with my bad moods and foul language! I've tried to care, but i guess i have never tried enough! Well, to all those whom i've disappointed, i'm so very sorry. Seriously, i am. For all those whom i have made sad or cry for one reason or another, i'm sincerely sorry too. But yes, i guess words are cheap... I guess you'll never know how truly apologetic i am towards you. Haiz, forgive me for being imperfect. But worry not, this isn't a final goodbye. No matter how fucked up i am now, i'll never take my own life, that's God's perogative. Till i try to screw up your days again beloved readers, bye.

feelings...? Dun even know if i have them...

Haiz... So many things have gone by and everyday i feel more left out, abandoned and alone... so empty this heart and soul of mine have become... I just hope that i can stick to the promises i made and that my special somebody can too... hmmm is it wrong for me to still feel jealous and all that even though i know its over? is it wrong for me to want wad i had in the past back in my life? a loss that wasn't mine, i still mourn for... i wanna keep you going, keep you strong. i wana understand wad you're goin through but you just wun let me near anymore! why???!!! wad have i done wrong? wad do you want of me? i tried to be there for you, you just chose to push me aside... what is a friend for anyway.

Well, sorry for sounding so bloody EMO, but there are people whom i'd like to thank. 1stly my beloved brother, Gabe, thanks u've been a real help to me these past few days when u stayed over, Gwen, dodo, thanks for being there for me! Words cannot begin to describe how thankful i am that i got a friend like you and how grateful i am for your listening ear. And last but not least, thanks darling, for all the sweet memories. I hope that in the course of time, many more will come our way and if they don't, i pray that these beautiful moments won't burn away in the anger and jealousy which i sometimes feel now...

God, thanks for giving me all that you have, even the trials i face now. because i know that with your guidance, i will emerge a stronger deeper person!