Tears

Tears of water stain my pillow, of blood stain my heart. Why do i still weep in the silence in the solitude of the night? How the bloody hell should i know???!!! Pain wrecks my heart and soul! My body is weak and numb to my surroundings, i seriously doubt a stab to the heart now with a red hot blade will even be registered! Why am i going through all this! ust when a major fucking worry passes, one more takes its place! My granny's ill with Breast Cancer! WTF right?! What is the lesson to be learnt? All i feel now is pain and the sense that i'm totally fucking lost! Why! Why do i feel this way?! Smiles that i once gave so willingly now are forced and meaningless! Damn me to hell la! That way none of you innocent blessed people will have to recieve false smiles and half laughs! Where is that bottle of poison when i need it?! Argh! Will somebody please shoot the living God outta me?! I don't deserve to have Him in my life. And if i don't deserve even God, what makes me worthy of all my friends? All you blessed people? Thank you all so much for carrying this cursed boy amongst you all this while. I really appreciate it. But i don't think you guys should have to put up with my bad moods and foul language! I've tried to care, but i guess i have never tried enough! Well, to all those whom i've disappointed, i'm so very sorry. Seriously, i am. For all those whom i have made sad or cry for one reason or another, i'm sincerely sorry too. But yes, i guess words are cheap... I guess you'll never know how truly apologetic i am towards you. Haiz, forgive me for being imperfect. But worry not, this isn't a final goodbye. No matter how fucked up i am now, i'll never take my own life, that's God's perogative. Till i try to screw up your days again beloved readers, bye.