Okay so i am not dead afterall...

Ya.. i'm not dead... Big fat hairy deal... I am tired though... Tired of so many things... like waking up just to lonliness and more tears... like knowing that right now i have got very little inspiration in life... tired of putting up a brave front to others when i habour cowardice inside... i need wad i lost back in my life... no this is no mere desire, its a necessity... Haiz... life must go on... or must it? No... i will not perform Harakiri (honour suicide in Jap)... i will trudge on in life and somehow attain a sense of happiness... or so i wish... damn... when did i become such a monster? when did i lose my soul? i am like a Samurai without his Blade... I am nothing! sometimes i feel like giving up, but thats just disappointing my parents and friends. This i will not do... now, should i die, it is because i have nothing left to give and cannot take any more... i will cease to breathe only when i really know its the end... but still i asure you that i will fight for every breath of life! Thanks blessed readers, some of you really gave me a sense of hope and happiness when i was depressed... thank you... Now, i must honour your effort by trying my utmost best to succeed in life. i cannot be the person i was before, he is dead now... but i can try to be a better friend...

Help...

My gosh... Everything I do now is meaningless... I don't see a reason why I even breathe anymore. Its so hard to let go... even if you know that the person of your dreams is your's no longer...

Father, take me upon your loving wings tonight when i lay upon my bed to rest. Let me never rise to this emptyness and hollowness again. I thank you for everything you have graciously bestowed upon my underserving self, I beg you for this small mercy and deliver me from this life. Let my body fail, let my spirit leave, let me sink into eternal rest. Let me come home... please... Tears stain my pillow nightly... all I feel after a long sleep is more tired. Its not a physical thing anymore... my mind and spirit are weak and my heart beats no more... I'm at a loss... My bearings have completely faded... I don't see a point in carrying on in life any longer. Every morning i rise to heartache and many horrid thoughts... How can I move on that fast... I cannot... Not when all my love has been invested into one being... For I have no more love to survive on... Promises which are broken will have consequences... I live life by my own rules and these rules apply to all I do... Thus break a promise and you lose trust, betray me and lose me forever. Hold up your end and friendship will be maintained, but how can i accept things as they are now... I am in a total wreck... I feel lost... I don't wanna live any longer. If my prayers are heard, then this will be the last entry in this dairy... I pray that my prayers are answered... So no more tears will fall, so no more hearts will bleed... For those who will may miss me should I leave, I beg of you, do not mourn, but rejoice for me and take pity upon yourselves... Rejoice because I need not suffer any longer... Pity yourselves because you still have to... But I pray for all of you as well, may He deliver you from the sorrows and pain in your lives. Goodbye, hopefully forevermore... And I pray that I'll be wrestling Crocodiles with my hero good old Stevo, in that big Croc paradise up in the skies. Do not condemn me and say I know not how precious life is, I do, or at least I did when I had meaning in my life...

Help...

Interesting Thoughts

Hmmm have u all ever wondered wad would happen if one day u woke up to find me gone? i really wonder wad it'll be like.... I mean i feel at times that i am taken for granted... am i? do u, my friends take me for granted? do u darling? wad if one day u were to wake up without me in your lives? would it make a difference? wad diffy would it make? just another fat guy gone right? just another person less in the circle of friends. its not as if i am of great importance... i dun even know why i'm here... was it to make someone's life better? was it to make a diffference somewhere to somebody? i dunno... i feel useless and redundant in this world... its like as if i shouldn't be here. like i'm a generation too early or too late... i just dun see a point of why i'm here... wad is my purpose? besides in my time here on earth, wad have i accomplished? wad have i done? how have i bettered another's life? cos all i have brought are problems and hurt... so wad exactly is the point of my existence? will anybody truly miss me when i'm gone? will you even notice? somehow i doubt so... maybe one day i'll realy just disappear, just to see if anybody notices... but how? i dunno... maybe take a trip outta the country, maybe i'll migrate unknowingly? hmmm maybe i'll just get hit by a car? not that the last one will be intentional, i've played chicken with cars and bikes before, not exactly the nicest exprience in the world... oh wells, till the next time i blabber, ciao!