Bubbling thoughts and feelings...
Hmmm i guess its been awhile since I last made an entry...
Well, I guess its funny how the departure of friends and family leave you feeling that you're a little more empty and that your world has suddenly become a little less full... Though their return is inevitable, you still feel the loss and the distance. My genius of a cousin has left for the states on a scholarship at Brown University! Talk about smart! Ivy league no less! Dang! Wish I had half of his brains! YY has left for Fudan University in Shang Hai also on a scholarship! Another smart person! -Sighs-... And here I am in SP and worrying my ass off about failing my damn exams and getting booted out of school!
Man its the hols now and I finally get to chill and veg out at home and beach road... Gotta look for a job and earn some cold hard cash... Hmmm cold and hard... Sounds like my heart has something on common with cash after all... I only just realised that when I was watching a rather violent movie and scarliy found out how unemotional I can get... I see people getting their brains blown out and and I don't even flinch or shut my eyes... Shit man this is scary! Even thoughts of ending a life by my hand doesn't send chills down my spine anymore... Not that I have tried killing anybody but yeah... The thought freaks me out... When did I become so cold and emotionally dead? When did I become so damned numb? Gosh why do I feel this way...??? Is there something I'm running from or trying to surpress? I need a psychologist!
Competetion is in 6 days, SP Chanbara Open... Wow my first comp! Haha. Cannnot admit that I've really been training for this cos I haven't! Its been weeks since my last traing session! Damn! I hope I won't get knocked out the first round! That will really rain on my parade! I miss my old form, I was more agile and lethal then... Guess cos hen, chanbara was a new exprience for me and now... They even want me as president of the club... How I wonder, can I cope with this responsiblity... According to my Instructor, my job will not require much just that I have to push for our room and equipment... Hmmm Sounds easy? Well, its not! Especially when you have a lousy bitchy guy for your CCA officer... OKAY... Moving on...
Well maybe my heart isn't totally made out of stone... I do feel at times, especially when it comes to matters of romance... My past experience was eye opening and a good lesson to never be too gullible. But still, the feeling of holding someone you genuinly feel for is indescribable. I miss that feeling, and knowing that you have someone, other than your family members, who looks forward to seeing you and spending time with you, who asks about your day and what you're going through, who knows when you need a hug without you needing to say it. -Sighs- I seriously wish I could have that back again... And just when I thought I had a oppurtunity to engineer a chance for it to happen again, it literally flew out of my reach... Her smile, her eyes are etched into my memory, and everytime I envision her, I feel all fuzzy and warm and even a little weak in the knees... Hmmm I wonder if I'm really falling in love again or if its just an infatuation... But without a doubt, my thoughts always at some point drift in her direction and sometimes I even find myself having one of those dopy smiles on my face. Haha I look really funny! I constantly wait for an oppurtunity to see her again, but due to school commitments on her end, it seems it won't be happening for quite sometime... Damn...
Well, I guess its funny how the departure of friends and family leave you feeling that you're a little more empty and that your world has suddenly become a little less full... Though their return is inevitable, you still feel the loss and the distance. My genius of a cousin has left for the states on a scholarship at Brown University! Talk about smart! Ivy league no less! Dang! Wish I had half of his brains! YY has left for Fudan University in Shang Hai also on a scholarship! Another smart person! -Sighs-... And here I am in SP and worrying my ass off about failing my damn exams and getting booted out of school!
Man its the hols now and I finally get to chill and veg out at home and beach road... Gotta look for a job and earn some cold hard cash... Hmmm cold and hard... Sounds like my heart has something on common with cash after all... I only just realised that when I was watching a rather violent movie and scarliy found out how unemotional I can get... I see people getting their brains blown out and and I don't even flinch or shut my eyes... Shit man this is scary! Even thoughts of ending a life by my hand doesn't send chills down my spine anymore... Not that I have tried killing anybody but yeah... The thought freaks me out... When did I become so cold and emotionally dead? When did I become so damned numb? Gosh why do I feel this way...??? Is there something I'm running from or trying to surpress? I need a psychologist!
Competetion is in 6 days, SP Chanbara Open... Wow my first comp! Haha. Cannnot admit that I've really been training for this cos I haven't! Its been weeks since my last traing session! Damn! I hope I won't get knocked out the first round! That will really rain on my parade! I miss my old form, I was more agile and lethal then... Guess cos hen, chanbara was a new exprience for me and now... They even want me as president of the club... How I wonder, can I cope with this responsiblity... According to my Instructor, my job will not require much just that I have to push for our room and equipment... Hmmm Sounds easy? Well, its not! Especially when you have a lousy bitchy guy for your CCA officer... OKAY... Moving on...
Well maybe my heart isn't totally made out of stone... I do feel at times, especially when it comes to matters of romance... My past experience was eye opening and a good lesson to never be too gullible. But still, the feeling of holding someone you genuinly feel for is indescribable. I miss that feeling, and knowing that you have someone, other than your family members, who looks forward to seeing you and spending time with you, who asks about your day and what you're going through, who knows when you need a hug without you needing to say it. -Sighs- I seriously wish I could have that back again... And just when I thought I had a oppurtunity to engineer a chance for it to happen again, it literally flew out of my reach... Her smile, her eyes are etched into my memory, and everytime I envision her, I feel all fuzzy and warm and even a little weak in the knees... Hmmm I wonder if I'm really falling in love again or if its just an infatuation... But without a doubt, my thoughts always at some point drift in her direction and sometimes I even find myself having one of those dopy smiles on my face. Haha I look really funny! I constantly wait for an oppurtunity to see her again, but due to school commitments on her end, it seems it won't be happening for quite sometime... Damn...
