Life's Sooo Confusing!
Man, life really is damn bloody confusing sia! My gosh, 1st I decided to reconcile with that certain someone i ranted abt last time. As i finally got it off my chest, i realised that feelings were still alive and burning... And just when i thought i was over it... Haiz... what to do? Its nice to feel wanted and loved, but is it the right thing when you know that many variables are involved and must be accounted for? Is it right when you know that feelings are at stake? my heart says "yes" but my mind says "no"... DAMN MORAL JUDGEMENT! ahhh crap... What the hell can i do now? i've started a wheel moving and if it spins one way, i get hurt again, if it spins the other, i hurt another... if it spins the third direction, den well, i'll be back to square one from so long ago... though i don't mind option 3, i dun wanna get hurt again and i dun wanna hurt another if i choose 1 or 2... but then again, 1 and 3 aren't my decisions to make... wait... in fact, now come to think of it, none of them are mine to make... i feel like crap not being able to control a situation, especially when so many important factors and outcomes are part of the situation... If only i could reverse time and set right all the wrongs... if only i could have been a beter, more mature man... all this shit would have never happened... God knows my plight, but the signs He's been giving are rather confusing too... Haiz, i guess i'm just not seeing things as clearly as He wants me to... I'm sorry to so many people for failing you guys by not meeting expectations and by letting you down. i truly don't deserve your friendship... all i wanted was happiness and in trying too hard t fulfil that, i caused pain... and the dumb part is that i ended up the most unhappy... haha i'm sucha dumb shit! As i listen to the song Arms of an Angel, i remember at one point in time i did lie in the arms of an angel... but angels have much love to give and many people to bless with that love... Oh well, guess i cannot be selfish anymore... I never wanna give up the comfort and love i felt whilst lying in the arms of that angel cos it gave me peace when i was at war with the world and my own demons. I guess a few of those demons finally have triumphed over me... I'm not a perfect person athough i really would love to be... I'm trying to make myself a better man but all that i do seems futile and all i touch seems to turn to destruction, chaos and ashes... Am I truly "The Left Hand Of God"? if i am, well, lets just say that all my friends, you guys should run like hell from me! i've never felt more lost and alone for as long as i've been breathing except for when grandpa passed into the arms of the Lord. God, rest his soul. And on the 5th august 2006... what can i do? nothing... wll maybe somethings can be done, but what? nothing is coming to mind, no epiphanies, no sense, no enlightenment... i've never felt this cast out and alienated before. But i guess i'll get over it one day... IF you only knew what goes through my mind and heart every night before i sleep and every morning when i wake... The sadness, the abandonmet and the feeling of losing someone who meant the world to you... You know who you are, please decide soon, i know i'm pushing you for an answer, but like i said before; its your decision and only you can determine how long you'll need to decide... God help me get outta this rut and back into life. Also please help me to quit my bad habits and help me to serve you better.
